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We were creeped out at the news last week that Marilyn Manson had started dating twenty-year-old Evan Rachel Wood in the wake of his late December split with Dita Von Teese, his insanely gorgeous wife of one year. Now friends of the pop-goth weirdo confirm our theory that his jailbait love interest is a harbinger of things to come. It seems even the God of Fuck isn’t immune to the pitfalls of the Male Midlife Crisis (henceforth to be known as “MLC”). Considering how anti-convention thiz dude has been in the past, it sort of bums us out to know that he too has fallen victim to such a mundane, suburban husband affliction. At the very least, we hope he approaches his midlife crisis with the same attitude, creativity and flair for the outre that he has made his trademark. We’ve got a few ideas to ensure his MLC is not run-of-the-mill:

• Every MLC-sufferer needs to sprout a ridiculous-looking old-guy ponytail. Marilyn’s should be made of the pubes of Romanian virgins.
• Obviously Double M will be wanting to purchase an expensive vehicle in order to project his masculinity. We can see him driving around in Aleister Crowley’s newly restored, mint-condition Ford Coupe or, for his country home, a midget-drawn troika.
• Most MLC-afflicted men like trying out new “looks,” engaging in sexual experimentation and dabbling in recreational drugs. Since Marilyn has historically adopted these things as the cornerstone of his personhood, it stands to reason that the most shocking thing he could do is to start using George Clooney’s stylist, insist on missionary position and become a Christian Scientist.
• MLCs are often accompanied by crises of faith or a desire to pursue an entirely new spiritual or philosophical path. We think Marilyn would make an excellent Baptist.

What do you foresee for Manson’s MLC?