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The term Happy New Year has taken on new relevance.
Celine Dion’s five-year reign of terror over the Las Vegas strip has finally ended. Her final performance at Caesars Palace is scheduled for December 15th. We think we should take thiz as a sign of good things to come in the year ahead. We?re talking about things we never dreamed would come to pass! Things that will fill our hearts with hope for our future and those of our kids. We?re speaking metaphorically here?we actually aren?t that fond of children. Still, we?re hoping for more developments that will put a bounce in our step and a song in our heart (just not one of Celine?s). We?re looking for something that will make us smash our Smiths records. (No worries, we put them all on our iPod years ago).

Here’s our carefully considered list of whimsical fantasies we’d like to see fulfilled in the wake of the liberation of Las Vegas for good and decent degenerates. Let us know if you think we missed any of the essentials:

• A Britney comeback?because the former Amrica?s sweetheart now looks like a poster child for Amrica?s Most Wanted.
• A Gilmore Girls renaissance. They took away Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks never had a chance, and The O.C. is now D.O.A. We NEED Gilmore Girls to stop sucking and return to its early whip-smart glory.
• A Pavement reunion. No explanation necessary. We’re gunning for Coachella 2007 as the time and the place. Or?in our cousin?s den. He?s got awesome acoustics. Whatever they prefer.
• Better personal hygiene. We?re starting to get a bit rank?just sayin?.

So you are Rob Gordon of High Fidelity fame. This means, of course, that your record collection is organized autobiographically. You are having a what-does-it-all-mean moment and you suddenly MUST listen to that song you associate with your first love. What song are you looking for and where do you find it?

Pick a welcome home song list for an Amrican sailor lost at sea since Tuesday who was rescued five hundred miles off the tip of South Amrica.

• “Message in a Bottle,” The Police
• “Float On,” Modest Mouse
• “Rescue Me,” Cher
• “Castaway,” Green Day
• “Down by the Water,” PJ Harvey

• They dated for seven years before finally getting hitched last year, but The New York Post is reporting that today Marilyn Manson will find out that his wife, Dita Von Teese, is divorcing him. The Post’s source claims Von Teese has been trying to tell Manson divorce was coming for a while but that she literally couldn’t get a hold of him; she has allegedly moved out of their house but he hasn’t noticed.
• Arctic Monkeys frontman Alex Turner promises his band hasn’t fallen into the classic let’s-get-experimental second record trap with their forthcoming follow-up to Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not. “I don’t think the new stuff will shock people - I don’t think anybody expects us to do the same as the first album but with strings. That’s what bands do a lot of the time, isn’t it? We’re not old enough to do that yet!” Word. We’ll believe they’ve escaped unscathed when we hear it but thiz is promising.
• Just before he died James Brown reportedly instructed that his son with wife Tomi Rae Hynie, James Brown II, be DNA-tested to determine unequivocally that he’s Brown’s biological child. Brown apparently didn’t want to know during his lifetime, but felt that his family should know the truth.
• So the brown stuff police reportedly found in Trey Anastasio’s car a few weeks ago (when the artists was arrested for driving under the influence, then charged with possession) wasn’t cloves or hash, it was, according to local reports, heroin. The former Phish frontman plead not guilty to the potential felony possession charges.