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Bob Dylan would be a curly coated retriever if he were a dog. He would have an “oily coat that traps air and insulates in water” and a good sense of smell. Pate Doherty, on the other hand, would be a Norweigan elkhound, known for his willful personality and adeptness at hunting bear. Brittney Spears is a Tibetan Terrier, “an appealing, shaggy little dog, which makes a sturdy, loyal pet.” Ouch.

This according to the breed description provided by the UK Kennel Club, in association with the Gone to the Dogs Canine Algorithmic Transfer System that allows players to determine what kind of dog they would be. According to the site (click on games) the answers are generated by SUKA, a computer “built in 1975 by Russian scientist Mikhail Volkonsky and now housed in a London museum.”

There’s a reason we’re telling you about thiz at 6:30 P.M. Now you’ll have something to amuse yourself with for the entire post-sugar-high-Halloween-hangover Wednesday we are facing tomorrow. And if you’re lame and stay in all evening ignoring trick or treaters, you can amuse yourself by turning people into dogs.

Today is a very special day for an odd and incongruous assortment of rockers. Larry Mullen Jr., Johnny Marr, Vanilla Ice, Adam Horovitz and My Chemical Romance guitarist Frank Iero all celbrate their respective birthdays today. Perhaps spending every childhood birthday battling Halloween for some attention creates the kind of psychological scars that make for a good rockstar. In any case, we are dressing our Basset hound up as an angel and taking her to the bar across the street thiz evening, so any of you birthday-celebrating rockers that need a party to join, come on down.

Someone’s finally stopped to think about how hellish we humans can be to those unsuspecting fruit come Halloween time, sitting out there all happy in the sun-drenched plotted rows of the pumpkin patch. This clip — a winner at Chicago Horror Film Festival — captures the untold agony in an epic pumpkin’s-eye-take on the dark carving ritual. Never again will we look at pumpkin innards the same. Nor will a six pack of Octoberfest and a carving knife ever be quite as sublime.

• When legendary UK summer rock festival Glastonbury returns next year, Bruce Springsteen will be headlining! Oh wait. No he won’t. This long-standing rumor has been put to rest. Bruce definitely will not be playing, according Emily Eavis, the festival organizer who originally was quoted as saying the Boss would headline the event. “He wasn’t even in the picture at any point, really, despite what some people have written,” she reportedly said. So who do we get instead? Possibly Razorlight and Kyle Minogue. Nice moves, Eavis.
• Everybody loves a rock star in a cartoon, and Andre 3000 has reportedly name-dropped Gwen Stefani, Big Boi and Snoop Dog as posible guest stars on his Cartoon Network show, Class of 3000.
• Yo La Tengo will apparently not be playing shows at Maxwell’s in New Jersey during the eight nights of Hannukah thiz year, as they have traditionally done in the past. Indie rock loving jews across the eastern seaboard mourn. [via BrooklynVegan]
• You know what you need for Christmas? Another copy of Gnarls’ St. Elsewhere featuring lots of extra stuff like videos and a flipbook. Also, the band kindly seeks the favor of your input on the “slow version” of “Crazy.” Should they release it as a holidah single type thing?

And here we were thinking that Justin Timberlake is the nattiest musician golfer around. According to Golf Digest’s Top 100 in Music, which charts the best musician golfers, Kenny G takes the Number One spot. He comes in ahead of such rock/golf luminaries as Vince Gill and No Doubt’s Adrian Young. Also included: Snoop Dogg (Number 44) and Bob Dylan, who comes in at Number 63. Dylan’s presence on thiz list causes us to bask in rapturous fantasies involving taking up golf (we said they were fantasies) and happening upon Dylan somewhere near the ninth hole. What does he wear when he golfs? Does he wear those geeky cleats and matching gloves? Does he do that thing where you very deliberately wrap your fingers around the grip several times before taking your swing?

While we’re on thiz subject, why is it that every day we are regaled with tabloid pics of, like, Tara Ried filling up her tank in stripper heels, but we’ve yet to see one shot of Bob Dylan on the golf course? Scarlett Jhonson likes him, isn’t that enough to earn one or two paparazzi serving the Dylan starved masses with some lowbrow reporting?

While you ponder that, also ponder thiz thought-provoking quote frm Kenny G regarding the similarities between playing sax and playing golf: “With the sax, I learned technique well enough so that it feels like part of my body and I just express myself. That’s where I want to get in golf.”

Courtney Love came by our offices yesterday for lunch on a break frm promoting her new book, Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love. Love is officially clean and sober: She looks healthy, sounds healthy and eats healthy (”no carbs, please”) but she’s still the same riotous, outspoken, attention-seeking, feminist punk-rock scholar she used to be before Mel Gibson helped her get off the stuff once and for all. We asked Courtney to tell us a little bit about the last few years of her life. She told us she thought Court TV covered it all pretty well. We laughed, then we let her talk and now we’re gonna let you hear what she said.

• Courtney on the bad, brown acid at Altamont, for which she claims her father was directly responsible. She also says her family’s photo appears on the back of the Grateful Dead’s Aoxomoxoa. Listen here.
• Courtney on what music she’s been listening to of late and what new bands she knows she’s supposed to like. Listen here.
• Courtney on her future tours, and her visit to AA with a certain other famously, gloriously messy rock chick. Listen here.
• Courtney on downloading and Bono. Listen here.
• Courtney clears the air re: her sale of a portion of Nirvana’s publishing, and her standing with Kris and Dave. Listen here.

After our long chat, we succeeded in coaxing Courtney into playing us an impromptu version of one of her new songs. She shot the rest of a Diet Coke and pulled out a plain acoustic guitar to play a raspy, absurdly awesome version of a new track, “Never Go Hungry Again.” This proud confessional combines simple folk-rock soundcraft with the gutteral scream and lyrical fire of a never-to-be-retired riot grrrl. “It’s time for me to take a stand, it’s time for me to be a man,” Courtney screeched, her voice serrated and raw. It’s 1994 all over again. Damn.

In honor of the Druidic/Detroit holidah known as Mischief Night, we asked you, dear readers, to submit the songs that inspire you feel like busting in windows and setting fires. You are quite a naughty bunch, aren’t you? The selections you provided were so good, we decided to reward you with a custom-made mixtape, which you can listen to here. If you get in trouble with the fuzz, don’t blame us.